I've realised that I document things so often when I am on public transport. I have so many photos of strangers and friends but also of places with no name, glimpsed at however many miles per hour from a window with finger prints all over it. I've come to quite like the little collection of photos!
I went to Edinburgh recently, took a bunch of photos and started feeling all funny because some of my friends will be living here next year (some already do!) and I have no idea where the hell I'm going to end up.
I felt weird because I've wanted to go to uni in this city for so long, back when uni seemed like this huge, completely intangible thing. Now I'm faced with making choices about my future and I'm at the age where I'd always thought I'd be going to uni but instead I'm going to Senegal for a year and then after that.. I have no idea!
All of my high school friends have either moved away already or will be moving away this August. Almost everyone is leaving. I'm definitely leaving, I'm travelling god knows how many miles to a place I've never been with people I don't know. It's terrifying.
Then there was the realisation that people have already started moving on. We're all turning into different people and, although we are all told that this will happen when we get older, it is still taking me by surprise, even now.
This birthday was met with panic and I don't really know why. I'm the youngest of my friends (quite a few are already 18) so I know that 17 isn't really THE END OF YOUTH AND HAPPINESS but, I as I counted down the last few minutes, I felt really sad!
The last photo I took as a 16 year old human at ~11:55. It's boring, I know, but let me be sentimental.
Now I'm fine, I had a really nice day and I'm looking forward to this year. I'll be celebrating my next birthday in Senegal. That's a scary thought.
My friend made me a song for my birthday! It was the most thoughtful present! He took a song that he'd recommended to me while ago which I hadn't really enjoyed and turned it into something I really liked! It was such a clever idea! This is the little song: http://vocaroo.com/i/s0sn50PKg1TW
Apart form the York thing, January was primarily a month of sitting in bed eating cereal. February has been a month where I've had to plan a lot more (titles of to-do lists on my phone range from "dude, film night?!?!" to "GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER") so it's been quite productive, I mean, I have turned into a pathetic ball of stress but, hey, at least I can post things on my blog, right?! Ugh.
I've been working on re-colouring, I'm trying to work with a theme of memories and nostalgia (something which has crept up in my journals a lot lately!)
I've signed up for a TEFL teacher training course! It's so exciting! It's going to help me so much when I'm in Senegal and it means that, once I get a degree, I can go and teach English in so many places! I like the idea of, if things ever go badly in the future, just saying "Right. Fuck this. If you need me, I'll be in Bulgaria."
I recently stumbled upon Cindy Sherman's untitled film stills and I love them! They're so interesting!
Untitled Film Still #48
Untitled Film Still #27
Untitled Film Still #53
A song for being seventeen:
***Oh yeah! I'm working on a mini zine about journals and if you want to contribute/help then you can drop me an email (emma98ralph@gmail.com) and I can tell you a bit more about it!***
I've been experimenting with painting on top of polariods! It's scary because WHAT IF I RUIN EVERYTHING?!!? Right? SO I've just doing it on crap overexposed ones for now. Eventually I want to use some black and white film and then re-colour it but I need to get the hang of it first!
They didn't really work out but it's a start!
I was journaling a lot last month! The top one is kind of "ah I don't understand people" and the bottom one was made when I was feeling sad and nostalgic.
I put bunting up in my room so now I can die happy.
I had some time off work and I didn't want to spend it in my tiny town so I went to York for a couple of days because I'd never been!
-arrived and found myself getting a weird kick out of being completely disorientated. I got off the train and thought, "Ok. I don't have a map. Where am I?" but instead of that panicking me.. I really enjoyed it!
-got very lost
-watched Birdman and got talking to the guy next to me. He and his friend asked me if I'd join them for a drink and then we got hungry and ordered food and then ta da! I was having dinner with 2 strangers. (I didn't actually drink anything because YOUNG GIRL GETTING DRUNK IN UNKNOWN CITY, y'know? street smartz.) Birdman #1 was from Ghana, wrote free verse poetry and played table tennis. Birdman #2 was from Mauritius and apparently used to write a really angry film blog.
-went into a traditional Japanese print gallery/shop and the lady took so much time explaining how the prints were made.
-in the afternoon I sat journaling in a cafe with sellotape and scissors, shredding pieces of paper but no one seemed to mind. The coffee lady gave me a tea on the house because I sat there for so long!
-that night I watched The Theory Of Everything which was fine. It felt less acceptable to go and see that film alone, partly because I was sitting next to a couple who grossed me out with their public displays of affection.
-had breakfast with a life guard from Hong Kong who wore flip flops
-I saw a band play. This was COMPLETELY out of my comfort zone and I spent a while panicking in the toilet cubicle like WHAT AM I DOING HERE ALONE? WHY AM I HERE??? Then after cruisin' on the sidelines for a bit I actually went up to spoke to people which sounds like nothing but it was a Big Deal. I met a guy and we went for a drink in a pub that claimed to be Guy Fawkes' birthplace. He had recently gotten back from a year in Japan which was really interesting to hear about because that's kind of similar to what I'm thinking of doing after uni!
-the next morning I went for coffee with birdman #1 and then left york 4eva
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